To wit, or not to wit.

I’ve been hobbled, having lost my internet connection due to financial complications, so my posting streak was lost. Which was actually depressing, considering I was getting used to thinking of things to put on here. But I’ll keep up with it whenever I can get at an internet connection, or when the Blackberry app feels like cooperating. Right now, I’m pirating N’s wifi so I can get a few things done.

And on to the actual post.

On the train rides to and from Boston, and even when I’m just getting around, I’ve taken to listening to audio books. I still read, but I like the performance aspect of it. You can tell when the reader’s got a connection with the writing, or when they’re just winging it. Especially if it’s the author reading their own work, it gives the thing a whole new edge and brings out parts you might not’ve considered on your own. It’s theatrical without the visual. So I’ve become addicted.

Recently I’m working my way through It by Stephen King, as read by Steven Weber. I’ve read the book, seen the movie, why not go for the trifecta? And it’s one of the best reads of King’s stuff I’ve heard yet, on par with the man himself or John Glover.

But I started thinking about one of the characters. The overly sarcastic, sometimes downright mean, yet always funny Richie “Trashmouth/Records” Tozier.  As a kid, and even as an adult, Rich is the Man of a Thousand voices (although as a kid, the voices are terrible), and he can’t seem to shut up. Making fun of everything and everyone is how he gets by. It brings the rest the world into his orbit, making people pay attention to him, and staving off being alone with the inside of his own head.

Which, really, is how I’ve always operated. Still do. Inside my head’s not always the greatest place to be. I dwell too much. So tossing out witticisms at will tends to keep things funny. Or at least funnyish. They can’t all be home runs, kids. Let’s be real here.

Sometimes, when they’re not home runs, but they don’t fall flat, they’re a little mean. I don’t mean to be, and often it’s out before I can stop it. People will laugh anyway, they always seem to. But I know the person the jibe’s direct at didn’t quite appreciate the joke. Though more often than not, it’s written off as ‘Sara being Sara’.

Whether or not this actually bothers me, that’ll vary with the person and the sarcasm, since people do have a way of being overly sensitive. This may well be part of the human condition, but it’s not for me to say. And my particular sense of humor does tend to lighten situations. Not all, but enough to make it a useful service.

But I’ve noticed that’s the problem; it becomes a service. You’re not just doing it for you, and to make your day a little easier, or to make some failing of yourself or others not such a big deal after all. You’re doing it to make other people’s lives better. And when you stop, it’s disappointing, or cause for concern. But when you’re doing it, and they don’t want it, it’s being obnoxious.

Confusing? Absolutely. And all the more difficult when you’re trying not to let those hundred and one barbs aching to taste the sweet air of freedom rip free. This blog is so named because of that sensibility. I’m doing the song and dance of the Chandler, and sometimes it’s far bigger curse than I’d like it to be.

(I feel like I should throw in a disclaimer here: I do not think I’m a future comedy legend. I say things, often things that have just popped into my head and out my mouth, and people laugh. And it’s a big enough range of people, and they laugh often. That is all.)

At the same time, I don’t think I’d have it any other way. For some reason all of the sudden, I’ve realized I like me. I could stand to be a lot more positive, and a lot less anti social. That’s pretty much it, other than the thirty to forty extra pounds I’d like to lose. And, you know, all those little body image things.

My sarcasm and my tendency towards the utterly obnoxious, my inner Richie Tozier, that’s me. If I can’t get right with that now, it’s never going to happen. And those who think negatively of it should think back on every time I’ve ever given them a giggle, and maybe take the good with the bad. My song and dance can’t please everyone all the time. If they can do that, I can look towards a little more self control in the future.

Though I don’t think there’ll be a time when I can ever completely keep my mouth shut. I did it for too long, and releasing that steam works too well. I’ll be lucky if I can reach a halfway point. I certainly haven’t been able to do it here.

In other news, I’m dying for the semester to end, Here and Now has hit a plateau on views that I’m honestly comfortable with (Jeez, stop looking at me like that, I mean it!)  — because even if this is all I get, it’ll still be a hell of a lot better than I expected to do, and I’ve decided I’m proud of it no matter what — and I’m still as broke as ever. Hence the lack of an internet connection. It’s going to make finishing out this semester interesting, but with a month and a half to go, it was going to be sink or swim either way.

Honestly, right from the start, it was never going to be anything else. Eventually, I’ll get to liking that too. I promise.

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~ by Sara on November 6, 2011.

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