Sabotage thyself.

I’m sitting here in my room after having missed the train once again, thereby causing me to miss one of my classes today. This is not just a small problem. This is huge. Mostly because I can’t seem to make it stop.

Now thanks to this semester being one shitstorm after another, I’ll admit I’ve been wondering if it’s all actually worth it. I’ve had back issues (which I’m having as we speak, part of the reason I was slowed down this morning), sleep issues (the other half of it, I overslept because I forgot to turn on my second alarm), money issues, food issues, family issues, and everything else you can possibly think of. Getting back into strictly academic classes has been hard after six months of nothing, and over a year of mostly hands on work before that.

But I’m a believer in pressing on anyway. I always say that if it couldn’t be done, no one would’ve ever done it before me. This is strictly factual, trying to rely on the statistics of the thing so I have a reason to keep moving. It’s my same excuse for continuing on wanting to be a director, and for a number of other things that I do.

People have had it worse. A lot worse. I’ve been close friends with these people for years. So there really is no excuse for this, other than that I woke up, saw the clock said 8:21, bolted for the shower, and saw in the end that it didn’t make a difference anyway. I can only walk/sprint/run/then shamble huffing and puffing after all. And I knew that.

So it’s possisble that I was already sabotaging myself when I woke up this morning, feeling that predetermined sense of defeat, picturing myself running for the train only to find myself on the wrong side of the station, unable to cross over to the platform.

Or it could’ve happened last night, when I was thinking about not wanting to go in as I went to bed. I’m not kidding when I say this semester has been hell, and a never ending one at that. Sometimes it truly just doesn’t seem worth it, even though I know it has to be. Getting a job is impossible enough with a Bachelor’s Degree, I really don’t want to have to try to make it without one.

I’m constantly getting told I’m too negative, that I have to start cleaning up my act in that regard if I’m ever going to have a shot at having my own life. But every trick prescribed for this affliction has not just come up short, it’s failed beautifully. So where’s the answer?

For example: My therapist told me to start saying ‘left school’ instead of ‘dropped out’. Which is what happened, whatever name you put on it. I left because I was a kid having a prolonged slice of breakdown, and it became a matter of either sticking out the next four months and watching my friends graduate while I took another year, or leaving. I chose to leave.

Shortly after that, I went to the community college, got my GED while I was taking classes, and went on to get my Associate’s anyway. So that’s a positive point to the whole thing. But though I’ve been doing what she said, and trying ‘left school’ on for size instead of giving it the name the rest of the world would apply to what happened, it feels unrealistic.

I dropped out. I am The Drop Out. And then I did it again after I left NECCO, and I feel like I’ll wind up doing it a third time with UMB. After all, my loans don’t cover everything. I owe the school six hundred and fifty dollars that’s already collecting late payment fees, and there’s no money for books next semester. Nevermind the fact that every attempt at a job keeps falling through.

There seems to be a cycle. A year or two of doing well, before everything starts to slide into a pile of shit. And it’s hard not to take that personally after a while. It’s also hard not to let that affect how you do things.

So maybe I’m sabotaging myself. I would genuinely like to make that stop.  I want to go to my classes, even the ones I don’t particularly like. I want to make this work so I can get my degree, and get back to doing things that actually matter to me. Whether or not that’s in the cards at the moment is still up for grabs.

But for now, I have a later than late train to make so I can still get to my feminism class. Wish me luck.


~ by Sara on November 1, 2011.

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